As parents, watching our kids struggle to find their place in the world can feel overwhelming, especially when they’re grappling with big questions about who they “truly” are, where they belong, and their life purpose. With so many influences pulling at them—social media, peer pressures, influencers, and even polarizing ideologies—it’s appropriate to worry about their state of mind.
But we’re not powerless.
Here’s how you can create a foundation to guide your adolescent or young adult towards a stronger sense of self, with context and calm about their future:
1. Embracing Ambivalence:
Life isn’t black and white, and it’s important to help your children see that. Encourage them to acknowledge and allow for conflicting feelings they have about who they are, who they can become, relationships, and life decisions. Let them know ambivalence is a healthy part of being human and a stepping stone to building resilience. When they won't acknowledge ambivalence, acknowledge your own. Model accepting and verbalizing doubt.
2. Tolerating Imperfection:
They don’t have to have everything figured out or be “perfect” in any area of their life. Help them understand that flaws and struggles (even embarrassments) are an essential part of growth. Vocalize self-compassion and show them how to appreciate their own humanity.
3. Managing Emotions:
Teach them that emotions like anger, sadness, or confusion are not something to fear or suppress. These feelings are natural and don’t define them. Help them practice healthy ways to process and express all emotions, which will reduce the need to latch onto external labels to find validation.
4. Avoiding Blame & Taking Responsibility:
Encourage your children to take ownership of their experiences, rather than attributing challenges solely to external forces, including to you. This helps prevent unconscious grievances from growing, and allows them to cultivate personal agency.
5. Building Resilience:
Adulthood requires the ability to face challenges. Identify challenging moments and tasks, and let them tackle them independently. Validate their effort so they learn that growth comes with much discomfort and even more persistence.
6. Providing Validation:
In a world that can make anyone feel unseen, your consistent encouragement is vital. Call out your child’s progress. Let them know they’re valued—not for their achievements, but for who they are as a unique person.
The most important thing you can do is anchor your kids in the felt sense that they are going to be alright, they are loved, and they are capable of navigating life’s complexities. You don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, tell them you don't.
Showing up, offering your steady presence, guidance, and truth—that's key.
You can help them rebuild a vision of their present and future that is grounded and meaningful.
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